Chapter Six
What Not To Tell Us
We may look tough on the outside or able to handle things well, but it's mainly a disguise. We're pretty fragile, and what you say to us when you discover where we've been could make the difference between us getting help or turning help away forever. That's especially true if we're little boys or teens. Every word you say counts. For all of us, here's some things you should never say when you find out what's happened to us:
1. How could you do that?
It was done TO me. I had no choice!
2. Why didn't you stop it?
We couldn't stop it. It was too unexpected, too powerful, they were bigger, we trusted them, and we had no way of knowing what would happen if we said no. How did we know they wouldn't kill us or tell everyone we made it happen?
3. Why didn't you kick them and run?
We were paralyzed. The fear of what was happening was so strong that we had no choice except to let it happen. WE COULDN'T MOVE!
4. You should have told us!
We were afraid to. We were afraid you'd hate us and blame us. They said you would.
5. Let's not talk about it.
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT! When you say that, you make us feel like we don't matter, our hurt doesn't matter, that you're just concerned about yourself and you don't care about anything but getting us to shut up.
6. What will people think of our family?
Aren't we family? How do you think I feel about myself? If you're more concerned about our reputation than about me, then I'll just withdraw and not have a family anymore.
7. Didn't you know you were sinning?
No, we didn't. And we weren't. You forget that this was done TO us, not something we asked for.
8. Let's not mention this again.
Why not? You make us feel like nothing happened, that it wasn't any big deal, but it was, and we know it. If you won't talk to us or let us talk, we'll explode.
9. Forget about the past. You can't change it.
But it's changed US. We can't forget. It's like you're telling a cancer patient to forget about his disease. If there's a cure (and there is for abuse) for God's sake don't keep it from us by denying where we've been.
10. How long is it going to take for you to get over this and get
on with your life?
I don't know. You tell ME. I bet you don't know, because you don't feel this devastating anger and hurt and sense of loss. It will take as long as it needs to, and we need you to accept us no matter how long it takes. Nobody wants to get through this more than we do.