Doubt & Denial

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=168 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" background="002a11c3.png"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Home Page"><U>HOME</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Page"><U>BOOKS   </U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Articles"><U>ARTICLES</U></A></div> <bR> <div>  <A HREF="id7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Tapes"><U>TAPES</U></A>   </div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id8.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Spiritual Warfare/Occult "><U>SPIRITUAL WARFARE, OCCULT   </U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id77.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sexual Abuse Issues"><U>SEXUAL ABUSE ISSUES</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id11.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Exposing the Darkness Seminar"><U>***EXPOSING THE DARKNESS SEMINAR***</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="mailto:greid@elp.rr.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:greid@elp.rr.com"><U> <img src="HTMLobj-764/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="50">  </U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="20001be0.png" border=0 width="257" height="190" ALIGN="LEFT" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Chapter Eleven</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Doubt and Denial</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>  The hardest person to convince of some of my memories of abuse has been me.  When some of them came, it was so frighteningly real, I shook for days afterward.  But then, as most victims know, it receded and seemed...well,  unreal.  It took a long time to face the full truth.</B></div> <div> <B>  </B></div> <div> <B> Typical male, I needed proof.  So I spent years validating what I was remembering.  I learned a lot, returning to the "scene of the crimes", photographing houses, talking to experts and finding my recall of objects, rituals, places, times and people were not only accurate, but validated by other victims.  You can imagine my shock when I met another survivor who had my birthday and year of birth whose ritual abuse took place at the same age in the same town!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   Well, no, there's no "concrete evidence."  Just physical scars and nightmares and flashbacks and crippling pain.  But when I want to deny, I now have to get around some obstacles:  Like, why is 90% of that time frame as a child totally blank?  That's not normal.  SOMETHING happened during that time.  Since denying doesn't explain the lack of recall of those years OR the scars on my body, and since accepting my memories as real explains ALL the missing pieces that have plagued me for so many years, and since accepting the memories as real has brought healing and release (not deception and blameshifting), I've finally killed denial and become a survivor with an attitude. Don't tell ME I made it up!!!</B></div> <div> <B>   My new stance came 5 years ago.  I had just recalled one of my worst memories so far being used in child porn.  I had lunch with a friend, one who knew what I was going through.  At least I thought he did.  His silence as I explained what I was working through betrayed him.  He never said it but he didn't believe me.  And I needed him to!  (Don't we all, at first?)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   As I began to tell him about it over lunch, I felt the "little kid" inside me climb up the ladder to my eyes and peer out at my friend as I talked.  Abruptly suddenly my friend said, "Don't you think you need to forget all this?  The Bible says you're a new person in Christ and you need to forget what's behind."  Suddenly I felt that little kid scurry back down the ladder, slam the door shut and lock it on my friend for good.  I would never be able to trust him with my past again.  And I haven't.  But with that experience, my inner need for approval, acceptance and validation ended. </B><I><B> I</B></I><B> knew.  Why did I need someone else to believe an experience they didn't walk through?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   My confidence has grown.  I believe because I was there.  I speak because there are others.  I persist because I want to be free.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   A note to my Christian family, the church that I love and belong to, whoever you are: "Forgetting what lies behind" is a process.  Paul the Apostle didn't say, "Just forget about it, grow up and get on with your life."  He often referred to his past, didn't he?  Just because I have to go back to get me back and to let go doesn't mean I'm not going on.  In fact, if I don't I'll never be free to go on.  Paul also said, if you read Greek, that old things are PASSING away.  All things are BECOMING new.  It  takes TIME.  Please don't try to "quick fix" those of us who have lost so much.  Just pray for us and be a friend.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   Know that it is much harder for us to accept what we are remembering, what we've been through, than it is for you.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id115.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sadness"><U>Chapter Twelve - Sadness</U></A></div> </td> </tr></table></body>