What Being Molested Cost Me

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=168 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" background="002a11c3.png"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Home Page"><U>HOME</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Page"><U>BOOKS   </U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Articles"><U>ARTICLES</U></A></div> <bR> <div>  <A HREF="id7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Tapes"><U>TAPES</U></A>   </div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id8.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Spiritual Warfare/Occult "><U>SPIRITUAL WARFARE, OCCULT   </U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id77.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sexual Abuse Issues"><U>SEXUAL ABUSE ISSUES</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id11.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Exposing the Darkness Seminar"><U>***EXPOSING THE DARKNESS SEMINAR***</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="mailto:greid@elp.rr.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:greid@elp.rr.com"><U> <img src="HTMLobj-761/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="50">  </U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="20ef4f60.png" border=0 width="244" height="246" ALIGN="LEFT" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Chapter Fourteen</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What Being Molested Cost Me</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The cost to a kid who gets molested is higher than most people know.  It's too easy to minimize the damage by saying, "It's just one of those things", or "Get over it".  Sexual violation is a violent thing even when it's not violent.  It takes so much inside.  After many years, I've taken notice of the losses (much of what has been healed and restored) and I want to tell you about it so you'll know.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me my childhood.  Repeated molestation blocked my memories, and what I did remember was covered with a haze of physical illness, stalking fear, repeat nightmares, and deep loneliness.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me my ability to trust.  I resented authority and feared adults so much I wouldn't go anyplace like a public restroom or swimming pool locker room because I'd get sick from the fear of what might happen.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me my ability to be spontaneous.  I kept such rigid control over my emotions, my body and my mind, that I couldn't laugh, I couldn't play, and being around kids who could made me feel sullen, angry, depressed, alone, left out.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me my sanity.  Shortly after the initial abuses, I was in a complete emotional deadzone, and one night, as I sat alone in a chair, my mind filled with filth and blasphemy, and tears streamed down my face, because I loved God and I couldn't stop this mental rape, and I just snapped after several days of this, and I started cursing, and smoking, and drinking, and I told God to give up on me because I was evil.</B></div> <div> <B>   I was 11.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me my education potential.  I was a brilliant child.  Being molested cost me my ability to think without confusion, tranceouts and frustration.  I couldn't concentrate.  I could have been a straight A Valedictorian.  Instead, by the time I finished High School, I was taking 4 basic classes and barely passed.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me my identity.  Being molested created such sexual and emotional confusion that I was an old man before I was 15 and still a boy at 30.  I felt numb and removed, like I was not there, just a piece of property for others to use and discard.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me my adolescence.  Being molested made me afraid of adults, men, women, crowds, public places, challenges, fights and almost everything else including being scared to death I was gay and scared of all my emotions including anger and joy.  I couldn't date, I didn't go to the prom, and alcohol was my only "friend".  Being a kid is screwed up & scary enough, but I carried enough guilt and fear to take down ten normal adults.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me time.  Being molested started me running, and I ran and kept going until I crashed in my late 20's and then it cost me time in recovering, facing hard truth and healing.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   It cost me family.  Being molested crippled my heart enough to destroy any potential marriage or children.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>   God has restored most of what was taken, and more.  But you  needed to know being molested is not a "get over it" thing.  It's an evil robber whose damage goes deep and keeps taking until we can face it and start to heal.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id118.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Why We Dont Talk"><U><B>Chapter Fifteen - Why We Don't Talk</B></U></A></div> </td> </tr></table></body>