Chapter Fifteen
Why We Don't Talk
I'm speaking on behalf of the many boys and men who have been molested. The "OneIn Six." We sit in your classrooms, worship in your churches, socialize at yourparties, work at your businesses and sleep in your beds.
We are a mystery to you. You probably sense something is "not quite right". We're distant and yet long for closeness, so we pull you in and then push you away. We drink too much and laugh too loud, and then suddenly retreat, fearing we'll call attention to ourselves and then you'll know or at least start asking questions. And we never, EVER cry in front of you. It's too scary. We're too fragile. We're afraid if we get started, we'll never stop.
The littlest among us don't talk because we're scared. We know what they did to us is wrong, but they're big enough to hurt us or kill us if we tell. It may be our dad, and then if we tell they'll come and take him away, and it's our fault, and then our family will be gone, and who's gonna take care of us then? Besides, he said he's sorry and he loves me. That's why he said he did it, 'cause I'm special, and if I tell and he leaves, I won't be special anymore.
If he's an uncle or cousin or brother or Grampa, no one will believe me and they'll say it wasn't what I thought it was and he didn't mean it that way and it's probably my imagination. Plus he gave me stuff and paid attention to me so I have to do stuff with him.
If he's a teacher I won't tell because you're supposed to respect and obey teachers, plus he says my school friends will find out if I tell and hate me.
If he's a priest or a minister, I won't tell because he's God's authority and I'm supposed to trust him and he said it's O.K. with God what we're doing and it would be wrong not to trust God's man.
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Adolescent boys. We don't talk because it's too complicated. Sex is new, and it feels good. This older man says he's my friend. He says all boys do it, so it's O.K., right? Even though it doesn't feel right. He spends a lot of time and money on me, and I trust him. He's older, he knows better, right? He says Greek and Roman teachers did this stuff with their boy students to teach them how to be a man. He makes me feel like an adult because he lets me smoke and drink and smoke pot and look at his pornography and sex videos and stuff. He says it's normal to get turned on by it and that he knows how to take care of it for me. He says we're not gay or anything and he told me about some other guys I know who he says do it too so maybe its all right because I know they've got girlfriends and everything so they're not gay. But I don't tell because he says people will think I am and if my parents found out they'd be mad as hell. He tells me it's normal because guys just can't get enough sex and it's unhealthy not to, and he says he knows I enjoy him doing sex on me because I can't help responding.
I don't tell because he took pictures of me and says if they "get out" everyone will know I'm a pervert (even though he says he knows I'm not). He even had me do a video with some other kids and even paid us, so I can't tell now, 'cause they'll put me in jail for it. At least that's what he says.
I don't tell because I'm confused and hurting. If it's normal, how come I feel so dirty? How come it feels good sometimes but how come I hate myself afterward? He tells me it's not "queer" so how come I feel like it is? Why don't I just tell him to stop, why am I so afraid of him? Because if he gets mad, he says I'll be the one who's sorry. What does he mean by that? I hate him, but if he starts coming on to another kid I feel scared and mad and rejected and abandoned. No one understands the power he's got over me to confuse me, make me feel good, scare me, make me feel important, power to trap me. I won't tell because there's no way in hell anyone would believe I didn't want this to happen somehow, or understand me, or love me. I'm just a piece of property and everyone will think I asked for it or if I was a real man I would've been able to stop him. They don't understand. I don't tell because I'm ashamed. And I'm afraid. And no matter how bad all this is, it's better than you knowing what I did.
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Men don't talk for a lot of reasons. We don't talk because people don't believe boys and teens can be raped. We don't tell because you'll laugh and joke about us behind our backs. You'll think we're less than men. We don't tell because we've still got a little boy and a terrified adolescent inside us that have sworn to keep our mouths shut no matter how much it hurts us.
We don't talk because we can't stand another "get over it" lecture. We don't talk because our fears, no matter how unreasonable, tell us we'll lose our jobs, our wives, our kids if we do. We're scared if we talk that you'll treat us like we're different than everyone else, and scared you'll treat us like we're the same, and we're not! We don't talk because men should handle things alone and boys don't do stuff like that and we know you can't handle the thought that they really do and is he gonna molest my kids???
We don't talk because we don't trust, and believe me, that trust has to be earned. We were betrayed before. You have to prove you won't do it again.
