Being raped and molested was so fragmenting that I seemed to walk out of my body, and I've never quite returned. Children should not experience forced sexual feelings. They should have their own bodies to themselves, to be able to experience good touch, and tickling, and warm love. They took that away. Being raped made normal body functions a nightmare of humiliation, so much so that having to use the restroom is a shameful act, never done with anyone around. Oral sex disconnected me from that part of me God designed for pleasure and procreation. Oral rape said, "This is not mine.. It's theirs." Every embrace became a threat, every caress a violation. It said, "Only I can make you feel." The hated touch created an empty shell of a body that could not respond to even my own touch.

I want to feel my skin. It's got nothing to do with sex. I want to be able to touch my face, and know we are connected. But I only feel an alien sensation of deadness.

I cannot feel the moment. I am running inside, like I did then. So now, if I am hurt, I go numb, and only awaken to the pain months later. People think I'm strong when I pass through a death, or rejection, or a loss so stoically. They don't see me months later when I without cause break apart alone, crying in fits of hurt and rage over longpast pain or bereavement. This is what they did; they made me run, and go numb, because you can't cry when they're raping you and for God's sake, don't FEEL. If you respond to pleasure, that will only encourage them to go on.

So I can't feel a warm breeze, or warm shower water on a cold winter morning, or smell soft scents, because it's too dangerous. They might come back and see that I'm alive and enjoying the pleasure of sense, and take it for themselves.