Chapter Twenty Two
Teddy Bear or Tiger?
We survivors usually go one of two ways. We either become aggressive and act out on others, or we are passive and become doormats.
As a former Doormat, I'd like to tell you how I got off the floor. It wasn't easy. Like a lot of boys, I was shy and good natured, easy to please and very gentle. The abuse turned that set of good qualities into passivity and selfdestruction.
I was taught never to get mad. But anger is part of us. You can't remove it. You can only direct it. So instead of being mad at being abused, mad at the abusers, I turned it inside and got mad at myself. Hated myself. Hated the little boy who "let it happen", so I hated my gentle side. But I couldn't hide it.
That's what attracted predators to me. They knew I was too "nice" to say no. (Some even molested me saying they were helping me not to hate myself.)
So the duality was killing me. There was the "teddy bear" exterior (most of it real, some just a "maybe they won't see me" defense) but there was a rage inside. I denied I was angry. To this day, when someone says, "Are you angry with me?", I fight not to lie. Because "it's wrong to get mad". And, I was afraid afraid that if I ever tapped into the well of rage, I'd lose control, I'd destroy things, I'd kill someone.
I didn't know it was normal to be angry. That it was necessary to healing to be angry about being used for someone else's sexual gratification and power pleasure. As a Christian it was a great relief to realize (1) Jesus got angry, (2) God gets angry, and if we're made in His image and likeness, anger is a good part of us He made, and (3) The Bible says to "Be angry and don't sin...don't let the sun go down on your wrath." The way I read it, it's saying, don't stuff it or deny it, deal with it! Resolve it! Anger turned inward can't be God's will because it leads to promiscuity, substance abuse and selfhate, and the scriptures tell us to love our selves and cherish and nurture the Temple God gave us to live in.
First I dealt with the anger in a private way. It started out by a therapy session in which I was encouraged to beat the hell out of a pillow named after the current person I was mad at, until feathers flew. Exhausting, but not very helpful. It didn't really lessen my anger. And it's not as easy for some of us, like "I hate the person who molested me". Because sometimes for us, it's "I hate them, I love them, I need them, I'm afraid of them". So I stopped naming my inanimate pillows, and switched to cheap glassware thrown at my backyard wall instead.
Finally I settled on my journal. A lot of times, I didn't even know why I was angry, or what set it off. So I just wrote. Anything. I was so out of touch with my feelings, it was all "I think, I saw, I did, I realized". It took a long time to get to "I'm feeling", and be able to let the emotions pour out. When they did, it was KatyBarTheDoor. My language was graphic, and bitter, hateful and enraged. I feared the expression of it because I didn't want to face it. "It's wrong to hate". Well, it had to be in there in me anyway or it wouldn't have come out on paper at all! The point isn't whether it's wrong or not. The point is: IS IT IN MY HEART? To deny its presence is to let it remain a hidden cancer. Yes, there are ungodly feelings and hate in there. But there's also some justified anger and hurt. You'll never know the difference between them until you get all the cards on the table, all the feelings in front of you in writing. Only then can you let go and be cleansed of destructive emotions and learn to use and cherish the healthy ones. See?
As I wrote, I discovered a great truth: Behind the hate was a world of hurt. Behind the anger was a lot of fear. Hate defended me from more hurt and from facing my hurt.
Some of the anger was a way of keeping people away (so I wouldn't get molested anymore) and it kept me from facing the vulnerable, gentle side of me.
The more I wrote, the more clearly I saw things. I could see myself the "public" self, the "private" self. The private one was enraged and confused the public one danced to any tune just to be liked; the private one was furious because he didn't want to dance and hated the hypocrisy. The public one joked, was cynical, never said no to any demand or expectation. The private one cried, longed to be real and communicate honestly and was tired of being everyone's doormat.
Finally, the inside guy won. I think it started when a friend observed the backflips I did to please people and said, "Why don't you get off the dance floor and go home?" Yeah, but HOW?
Well, first I had to accept that dancing takes two, and the people I felt most obligated to please were either manipulative and slightly predator in nature, or reminded me of someone who molested me. ( I was afraid not to do what they said. We know what happened when we tried to say no as boys.)
So I just stopped dancing. I cut off people who just used me, and friends so selfcentered that weren't capable of having a twoway relationship. I stopped doing things for people just because I'd feel guilty if I didn't. (I had so many commitments going before this that I had to set up an appointment just to see myself!) I took note of the people who put guilt on me, whined or got angry if I didn't respond or do what they wanted and eased myself out of their lives.
Being a public person, I learned another gem: Beware of those who praise you too much, because they've got a sharp knife waiting when you turn your back and say, "Sorry, I can't".
So I ended up with more time and started to really enjoy it when I did help people out. And, my real friends understood when I said "no". And, I don't miss the others that much.
By letting the Tiger out some, the Teddy Bear in me felt safer and more protected. They need each other. Too much Tiger is dangerous and hurtful. Too much Teddy Bear is unsafe and unrealistic. Together, they're the real me. I do get angry. But I also cry. I can say no but I also give my whole heart when I help others.
Before, the Tiger tore me up and the Teddy Bear had tire marks on his face. (It reminds me of the ultimate illustrated sermon a friend saw a Ziggy "Please Love Me" doll with his arms outstretched, flatter than a pancake on the open road.)
Now, they walk together with dignity, love and strength. To my friends, I can be the warmest hug and a sheltering tree.
But manipulators, predators and perpetrators beware this Teddy Bear has CLAWS!
