None of us want to be professional victims. When we first begin recovering, it's so incredible to tell our story among those who have been there, who understand. It's safe for the first time, and so the long road to healing begins.

But none of us want to stay there, to let our abuse become our identity. Yes, it will always be part of us, and that's good, because others need to hear our story. But to cling to that identity is to eventually die inside, because our recovery and disclosure is like good medicine that's used to help us get through pain after surgery. Eventually we have to lay it down because otherwise we will become addicted to the very thing that helped us get better.

I think we may always need to talk, to find shelter. But true healing means we eventually take on life, and integrate with the normal of life, and no longer are trapped by what happened. Our abuse becomes another facet of our lives.

No one can tell you when that letting go begins, but it is gradual, and soon you'll feel the discomfort of that old identity as an every day workshirt and decide to put it on hangers and just put it on when you need it. When it feels comfortable to do it.

If you're like me, you're sick of the "victim bandwagon" that has become our culture, where everything from a simple spanking to being asked for a date is called abuse. It's insulting to us who have suffered real abuse, and to those real victims of sexual abuse and damage, especially the little ones. The more I saw this, the more I longed to just be known for who I am, not for what I endured.

Part of the letting go for me was taking responsibility for my life and actions. Yes, there was a time I could clearly see that "I did that because I was molested". But it became an excuse after a while. Then a little voice in my head said, "Yeah, but now you know better. So admit you blew it. You're an adult now. You know the game, you can avoid the traps. You don't have to respond as a victim anymore. Respond as a victor."

It was a tough transition from blaming my abuse to accepting my responsibility. I had to let it go. I had to accept blame for my failures and bad reactions without reaching back and saying, "I did it because..." Because that was then and this is now. In accepting that responsibility, it became easier to recognize my potential response to a triggering situation based on the past and say, "Change course. Steer clear. You can do it differently now."

Because the only way to regain our dignity is to say, "I'm not a victim now. I'm in charge." Because the ultimate victory of our molesters would be if we don't break the pattern of helplessness, and defeat, and selfmedication and selfdestruction.

You can destroy their power by saying, "No more. I don't have to live as a victim anymore."

Letting go it's something you learn through brave effort and honesty and the courage to find a new identity away from the abuse. Be patient. It takes time. But let it go.

Living well, as they say, is the ultimate payback for those who took our childhood away.