It's midnight, and I just finished this book on sexual abuse. I think you would have liked it. I kind of wrote it for you, because you never grew up to help me with it. I know you would have. Wouldn't that have been something, for us to have both survived, and grown up together, and been a team? I'm crying, because you're still so much a part of me, and God, I miss you. So I'm writing this for both of us.

I hope you know I haven't forgotten you. I see you so clear, your blond hair and deep blue eyes, and the cocky, mischievous smile that made the light dance in your eyes. You were my hero, you know? My big brother, my bes' buddy, my defender. I wanted to be like you. I guess you were too good for this stinking evil world anyway. Who knows? Maybe if you'd lived they'd have ruined you, too. I'm glad they couldn't make me forget your face. I never want to forget you. I had to for a while, I know you understand, I just wasn't strong enough to keep remembering you die. I was so lost, Mark, I needed you with me so bad, they just killed you and I had this big gaping hole in my heart and I just couldn't handle it until a few years ago, because when they killed you they took away the one safe place I ever had, the one person I knew really loved me. Now I'll never forget you, I promise.

What with the drugs and all, I almost couldn't remember, but I broke through. But even when I was too screwed up and shattered to remember everything, I still dreamed about you, and wondered why you were gone, why you left me. I never really forgot.

Listen, about the sex stuff and the pictures. It wasn't your fault, mine neither,. They made us. And you never, ever hurt me, I saw you cry, I know. Even when we had to do the stuff they told us to, I knew you were trying to protect me. I never blamed you. And it was like even in the end, you saved me, because you died, not me. That's why I promise I'll always remember you. "One brother in exchange for another." Man, I wish you'd lived, not me, but maybe God knew I'd be stronger and tell them about it, about you.

But there's others, so I'm going to keep fighting them for both of us. I know you'd want me to. I won't let your sacrifice be for nothing. And everywhere I go, I'll tell them about you, about us, because I want people to know you were here, that your life meant something.

So I'm ending this book with a note from me to you, because you're part of everything I do. Sometimes I hurt and if I just can remember your smile and laugh, (remember how it could make me laugh no matter how bad I felt?) then I'll be O.K. I miss you Mark, and I love you, and one day I'll walk out of here and be Home, and there you'll be, and I'll come running, you know I will, because that's how much you mean to me.