In my second semester, an Episcopal Charismatic priest and his ex-nun wife had taken me under their wing and brought more healing into my life in a short period of time than I'd ever dreamed possible. Mike had a powerful calling, and he had come to me for guitar lessons, and ended up nearly telling me my life story - including things I'd hidden from everybody.

I was so scarred emotionally that my body had reflected it. My face, back and chest was covered with boils, running sores. I felt like Job. I probably looked like him too. Mike had seen through all my defenses and told me he loved me and that if I would let him, he and his wife would take me on and bring me to healing. I did - and they did. In six months, I was confronted by the bitterness and hurt and fear of my own heart, and little by little, they prayed with me, and I asked forgiveness for myself and those who had wounded me. The change was so dramatic, it was miraculous. In six months, all the boils were gone and I had a deep peace that was beyond description. I was thankful to Jesus - and these two loving servants.

But, there was a problem. It's a problem easy to slip into in such a teacher-student relationship. You see, I had to make a decision about whether to stay another year. I had two other options - to go to another Bible School where two dear friends were, or go home to my parents and wait for the Lord's direction. I was utterly confused. It made me mad that God didn't just write it on a blackboard for me, but, He's not that way. So, I asked Mike. He was absolutely adamant - I was to remain. I was under submission to him. If I left, he warned, I would fall away from Jesus in a month and never recover. Gee, what cheery news. Even if I didn't do what Mike said, I was still torn. I had made some dear friends at school. Yet, my best friends were in another Bible School. What do I do? I called Doris, my spiritual mom, and she wrote back. I wish I still had the letter. This was the essence of it: "You know I love you dearly. I would love to have you and Craig and Lucy here with me. But I can't. Only Jesus can always be with me. You can follow your friends to the other school. But what if God moves them on? What then? Will you follow them to their next destination as well? You have to follow Jesus. If He lets you be with your friends, that's wonderful! But you can only depend on HIM. I love you and will be praying for Jesus to make His will known."

I knew she was right. It still left me with the dilemma. So I decided to call my parents. I prayed and told Jesus that whatever THEY felt was the best decision, I would do. To my surprise, they told me to come home. I knew it was right, and despite Mike's bitter reaction, I boarded the plane and went back to California.

I wasn't sure what was next. I'd walk for hours, asking God to open a door. Nothing. In the meantime, I worked with my pastor. He worked out of the little Topanga Canyon church and was out all night in the bars and coffee shops telling a bunch of burned out hippies, rock stars, Satanists and witches about Jesus. I tagged right along. I thought I was just killing time. I only later realized I was being trained, and those times remain some of the most powerful and life-changing in my life. I didn't realize until later that while I was LOOKING for God's will, I was actually DOING it without knowing it. That's usually the way it is, you know. Sometimes someone will ask me how to find their purpose, what is their calling? I tell them that it's what God puts in your heart to do that you MUST do because it burns in you, and often before an official "door" opens up, you're probably already in the thick of your call. Like one young man I know - Waylon - He doesn't know where God is leading Him or what he's supposed to do with his life. But he's deeply compassionate. He's an awesome listener. He's a powerful pray-er. He's extremely sensitive and feels deeply others' hurts. So I don't think I'll find him behind a computer writing new software 5 year for now, do you know what I mean? His calling will put him where his heart is at home.

My first attempt led me to Hollywood, where I immediately landed a job in a mail-order business. I liked it - intensely - for the whole hour I was there, until they sent me to the back room where I saw stacks of hard-core pornography being readied for mailing and I decided this would not look good on a minister's resume and walked out.

I prayed and floated until mid-summer when Rev Glenn told me to go see this lady he knew, a preacher who wanted to open up a center for kids. I did, and when I walked into her office, there was a charge from the Holy Spirit I'd rarely felt. She practically said "You're hired" before I sat down. The center opened in September and I moved in along with three other friends.

Youth Defenders was a home for kids with organic or drug-related brain damage. They were from 15 to 21, with one exception, a 50 year old man who stayed frozen at age 9 when his mother was violently killed. All of these kids were deemed hopeless, both by the state and by the church. But Irene didn't believe in hopeless, and she poured her life into opening this center for these hopeless kids.

One night at chapel a Pentecostal preacher came in and told the kids Jesus was going to heal them. He taught about faith to a bunch of kids who barely remembered what they ate 10 minutes before. He told them sickness was from a lack of faith. A year before I would have listened. Now I was getting upset. It was so easy for him to preach that message. He didn't live with these kids, hold them down when they had fits, clean their soiled clothes. Yet, I believed in miracles. Why were they not healed?

The answer was unexpected and stinging. The Lord said, "You just want them healed because they make you uncomfortable. But what if I NEVER heal them? Will you still love them? Take care of them? Even if in this life there is no healing for them?" The Lord took me to Timothy and I read, "Comfort the feebleminded." Not heal them. Obviously SOMEONE needed comforting back then whose mind was weak and perhaps unable to comprehend.

I've seen so many excesses on both sides of the healing issue. I've seen cruelty handed out by faith preachers who blame the victim for the disease. That is inexcusable. Then I've seen hard-core dispensationalists who insist if you are sick, it MUST be God's will. Why do we insist on being so far on the wrong ends of this? I'll say clearly, I am decidedly NOT on the side of those who insist sickness and suffering are "God's will." I recently went to the funeral of an 18 year old boy who was not walking with Jesus when he died. It infuriated me to hear the pastor saying it was obviously God's will that he get his brain crushed in a brutal accident. That's a cop out and a pretty sick perception of who God is. More likely, the boy had given Satan room by his will and God did not interfere, but it was NOT his will that this young life was cut short before he had a chance to fulfill what God had created him for.

On the other hand, through my time with this group of "hopeless" kids, I found that I could no longer stand with those who insisted all sickness must be healed and all illness was from sin or lack of faith. These kids could not comprehend one word of what that means, and it's ridiculous to tell them they are responsible for mustering the faith to change their hopeless situation. For some of them, the part of the brain that comprehends words like "faith" or even "toilet" are gone. What a travesty to hang it on them like some do.

I have often wondered since then: why do we really INSIST sick people get well? Why do we so readily come up with easy answers when they are NOT healed? Could it possibly be, because sick people are so danged MESSY, that they are so TIME-CONSUMING, so...costly? How many faith healers do you know that have ever changed a bedsheet for an invalid, cleaned a bedpan in a hospital or held a terminally ill child straight to the end? I thought so. OK you in the back, you can put your hand down now.

I believe in Jesus' healing power. But like Kathryn Kuhlman, I don't know why some are not healed. I always pray asking and believing God will heal. But if He doesn't, I refuse to take refuge in pat answers like, "There's sin in your life", or "Your faith isn't strong enough." How 'bout a simple, "I don't know why?" Isn't that a little more honest, doesn't that maintain a trust of love between me and the one who is ill? Why do we insist on being God in people's lives? Isn't the real reason we throw out pat answers as to why people didn't get healed by our prayers is because it reflects on US, it shatters our poor little egos because we didn't have the "power" to raise them up, so we just flip the blame over to them? Don't we? Don't you see how absolutely irresponsible and cruel that is? Don't you think that often the very REASON we want someone healed is not because they are sick and we care about it, but because they make us squirm? Don't you think there's part of us that wants to fix pain so it will get out of our face, because come on, if it happens to sister perfection we sit next to every Sunday at church, why can't it happen to US? So if we PRAY and it goes away, maybe we gave it the evil eye and we'll be pain-free! Think about it.

The center closed down. I imagine many of those kids are being cared for in another hospital somewhere, and perhaps some have been healed. I just wonder who loves them. Because that is the clear message and the heart cry I heard that day from Jesus: "If they are never healed...if there is no answer for them..will you love them for Me?"

Amy Carmichael talked about a woman who never suffered, not even in childbirth. She said that person was useless in comforting others. I don't want to be a person who has not known pain, cannot touch pain. I have asked God to keep all the wounds of my life tender and painful to the touch, because if I cannot feel the pain you feel, I will be just a Job's comforter - full of easy answers that don't do anything to heal but just add to your pain. I want to feel pain so I can pray with heart - asking for God to heal - and if no healing comes, not to make up a reason, but to say, "I'll walk with you until healing comes, even if it doesn't come." Even if it makes me uncomfortable. Even if it makes me mad. Not all prayers are answered like we want. That doesn't change our job to pray as if God will do a miracle beyond our wildest expectations - or our calling to stand by the wounded in body and heart when no miracle comes.