Doubt

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=168 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" background="002a11c3.png"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Home Page"><U>HOME</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Page"><U>BOOKS   </U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Articles"><U>ARTICLES</U></A></div> <bR> <div>  <A HREF="id7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Tapes"><U>TAPES</U></A>   </div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id8.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Spiritual Warfare/Occult "><U>SPIRITUAL WARFARE, OCCULT   </U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id77.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sexual Abuse Issues"><U>SEXUAL ABUSE ISSUES</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id11.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Exposing the Darkness Seminar"><U>***EXPOSING THE DARKNESS SEMINAR***</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="mailto:greid@elp.rr.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:greid@elp.rr.com"><U> <img src="HTMLobj-783/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="50">  </U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" >                                               </FONT>  <B><IMG SRC="383a8dc0.jpg" border=0 width="168" height="220" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Doubt</B></div> <div> <B>                 </B></div> <div> <B>   If you're a normal Christian, you're going to have times of</B></div> <div> <B>doubt. I'm sorry, God hasn't set it up so we hear Him 24 hours a</B></div> <div> <B>day, always have plenty of Holy Spirit Warm Fuzzies and</B></div> <div> <B>always get answers when we want them - and how we want</B></div> <div> <B>them. Walking by faith means walking with a God we can't</B></div> <div> <B>always see and hear. He is no less real because of our doubts,</B></div> <div> <B>and doubts only become faith when we walk with Him long</B></div> <div> <B>enough to have a consistent experience of His love, His care and</B></div> <div> <B>His presence. It takes time. You shouldn't kick yourself when you</B></div> <div> <B>doubt. It helps me to know I don't have to know everything, and</B></div> <div> <B>that my temporary doubts never change the love and truth and</B></div> <div> <B>security of who Jesus is in my life.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        Sometimes doubts have helped me. You gotta admit,</B></div> <div> <B>there's some pretty strange things in the Bible. It's a big book,</B></div> <div> <B>and we could study it for centuries and still not understand it</B></div> <div> <B>all. That's because "As high as the heavens are above the</B></div> <div> <B>earth, so His ways are higher than ours." I'm amazed an</B></div> <div> <B>infinite God could distill Himself so well in one book anyway. It</B></div> <div> <B>must be like explaining trigonometry to a 6 day old baby. So</B></div> <div> <B>when something doesn't make sense in the Bible, I assume the</B></div> <div> <B>problem's with me, not with the Book, and I lay it down until</B></div> <div> <B>I've grown some more. I've even found what seems to be</B></div> <div> <B>contradictions, and later found out it was not a contradiction</B></div> <div> <B>at all. Like, there's a verse in Galatians that tells us to bear</B></div> <div> <B>one another's burdens. A few verses later, it says everyone</B></div> <div> <B>should bear their OWN burden. Now, I knew God wasn't such a</B></div> <div> <B>poor writer that He'd contradict Himself in the same paragraph</B></div> <div> <B>without us catching on, so I knew I wasn't getting something, so</B></div> <div> <B>I got my Strong's Concordance and found out the words meant</B></div> <div> <B>two different things in the original language - we're to help</B></div> <div> <B>someone bear the burden that is too much to bear alone - but</B></div> <div> <B>we must all carry our own soldier's pack. No contradiction at</B></div> <div> <B>all.</B></div> <div> <B>        But there's other kinds of doubts too. Sometimes when</B></div> <div> <B>we've been hit by horrible tragedies, it's easy to doubt God. "If</B></div> <div> <B>You love me, why did this happen?" I think we've all done that.</B></div> <div> <B>That kind of doubt only gets resolved in time, when you see the</B></div> <div> <B>big picture of life, and when you finally understand that God</B></div> <div> <B>didn't promise us immunity from pain and suffering, but grace</B></div> <div> <B>for it and power out of it. One day in my own agony, I yelled at</B></div> <div> <B>God. What I wanted to tell Him was, "What are You trying to</B></div> <div> <B>do, crush me to powder?" But what came out was, "What are</B></div> <div> <B>you trying to do, CRUSH ME TO POWER?" Immediately the</B></div> <div> <B>presence of God rushed over me, and it was a holy moment of</B></div> <div> <B>revelation. If I am the pot and He the Potter, than if there is a</B></div> <div> <B>crushing, it is so His power can more fully be poured into me, out</B></div> <div> <B>of me.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        I had a two year horrible bout with doubt some time ago.</B></div> <div> <B>It would've been better if I had been leading a quiet private life,</B></div> <div> <B>but the doubts hit at the peak of my speaking career where I</B></div> <div> <B>was having to preach and fill others with hope and faith when</B></div> <div> <B>my own heart was doubting everything I ever knew. I was</B></div> <div> <B>exhausted after 3 years of constant travel, which gave Satan</B></div> <div> <B>the opportunity to attack hard. He always hits us at our lowest</B></div> <div> <B>point. People like me would do well to learn from a classic</B></div> <div> <B>Alcoholics Anonymous indicator of trouble: HALT. Hungry, Angry,</B></div> <div> <B>Lonely and Tired. And I hadn't slept, was ticked off, needed a</B></div> <div> <B>friend AND a snack, and didn't get ANY of them.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        The crisis peaked one month when I returned from</B></div> <div> <B>Canada. It was a nightmare trip. I had flown into Toronto in</B></div> <div> <B>the middle of the coldest winter they'd had for a century. My</B></div> <div> <B>accommodations were in a cellar with the canned goods. I had</B></div> <div> <B>to take a blistering hot bath for an hour before bounding into</B></div> <div> <B>bed with ten covers, just my little frozen nose protruding from</B></div> <div> <B>the covers. The two week speaking trip was a constant rush</B></div> <div> <B>and I was more than ready to leave. The morning of my</B></div> <div> <B>departure, my hosts threw my luggage in their 1966 Ford LTD</B></div> <div> <B>with bald tires, and we headed to the airport. We drove ten</B></div> <div> <B>feet, put on the brakes, slid five, drove fifteen, put on the</B></div> <div> <B>brakes, slid into the curve. At that rate, I'd be back in</B></div> <div> <B>California in time to pick up my social security checks. So being</B></div> <div> <B>the servant I am, I said, "I can always take the subway." They</B></div> <div> <B>slammed on the brakes, slid to the curve, threw my luggage on</B></div> <div> <B>the sidewalk and grinned and shouted some hasty French</B></div> <div> <B>goodbyes before skidding off, and I stood there freezing, waving</B></div> <div> <B>and saying goodbye in the only French I'd learned, which I think</B></div> <div> <B>was "Sausages, no doubt." I picked up my overstuffed suitcase,</B></div> <div> <B>my guitar, my shoulder bag and my briefcase, and looking like</B></div> <div> <B>an enslaved pachyderm, headed hastily to the subway, sliding</B></div> <div> <B>all the way, tripping, dropping luggage. I was late. I got my</B></div> <div> <B>ticket, trounced toward the turnstile, and STUCK. My guitar</B></div> <div> <B>had gotten wedged and I couldn't get unstuck. Some kind</B></div> <div> <B>Quebecan saw me crying and got me out. I made the subway to</B></div> <div> <B>the bus, ran to the bus, sat there for 10 minutes, made it to</B></div> <div> <B>the Montreal plane just minutes before departure. And there</B></div> <div> <B>we sat. For an hour. The Captain announced that they had to</B></div> <div> <B>wait to have the runway de-iced. An hour later, he announced</B></div> <div> <B>we needed to refill on gas since we'd been there so long. An</B></div> <div> <B>hour later, he said we were waiting for a tow. I waited to see</B></div> <div> <B>if he'd tell us the flight was canceled due to lack of competency,</B></div> <div> <B>but we finally left. I would miss my Chicago connection to San</B></div> <div> <B>Francisco, so I had to cancel my PM dinner with a pastor, still</B></div> <div> <B>hoping to make a PM dinner appointment. (And you wonder</B></div> <div> <B>why pastors are fat.) After a three hour delay, we were on</B></div> <div> <B>the plane, then rerouted, and finally arrived in San Francisco</B></div> <div> <B>around midnight. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        I found my car, and realized I had mistaken the general</B></div> <div> <B>parking area for remote parking when I left my car a week</B></div> <div> <B>earlier, and it would cost me $75 to get my car un-hostaged. I</B></div> <div> <B>didn't have it. I asked the airlines to cash a check. "Can't do it</B></div> <div> <B>without a major credit card." "I don't have one. Do you take</B></div> <div> <B>Sears?" The lady looked at me like, "What a pathetic man", and</B></div> <div> <B>turned away. "You can take the bus", a bellman said. "Great", I</B></div> <div> <B>replied and rushed to the bus stop. I waited 3 hours before a</B></div> <div> <B>kind man told me the buses stopped running 3 1/2 hours ago. I</B></div> <div> <B>hailed a Taxi. "Redwood City" I ordered. Halfway there I</B></div> <div> <B>realized I only had Canadian money. "How much?", I said</B></div> <div> <B>arriving at my destination. "$35", he replied. "Do you take</B></div> <div> <B>Canadian money?" "How bout some dope?", he replied. "Sorry,</B></div> <div> <B>don't have any. (But I am one, does that count?", I muttered</B></div> <div> <B>under my breath.  "Gimme the French stuff", he replied, and I</B></div> <div> <B>was finally at the end of the nightmare. I got into the house I</B></div> <div> <B>was staying at, said hi to the 6 guys that shared the place,</B></div> <div> <B>and tried to sleep. Just as I dozed off, the lights went on, a guy</B></div> <div> <B>came bounding in and yelled, "This is it! Jesus is coming back!",</B></div> <div> <B>brandishing a newspaper about an earthquake in Mexico. One</B></div> <div> <B>demonic look from my sleep deprived,</B></div> <div> <B>sick-of-planes-and-unhelpful-airport-personnel eyes, and he</B></div> <div> <B>slunk out the door without a word.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        All these events were just the icing on the cake. I was</B></div> <div> <B>totally burned out, and I was so tormented by doubts over the</B></div> <div> <B>pain and loneliness I was experiencing, that my public image of</B></div> <div> <B>a man of faith was wearing thin. I woke up every day</B></div> <div> <B>wondering if God was even there. I prayed and prayed and I</B></div> <div> <B>got no reply. "Where ARE you, God?" My last leg of this journey</B></div> <div> <B>took me to my pastor's church in hopes of finding relief and</B></div> <div> <B>answers.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        I went to church the next day, sang the songs, heard the</B></div> <div> <B>sermons, and nothing was getting through. After church I went</B></div> <div> <B>to the back room alone where I had another throwing forks at</B></div> <div> <B>God session without the forks, and where I got my first glimpse</B></div> <div> <B>of hope in this dark time of doubt. I screamed at God, "I DON'T</B></div> <div> <B>BELIEVE YOU EXIST ANYMORE!" Silence, then, softly, "Then why</B></div> <div> <B>are you talking to Me?" OK, God, the problem's with me. Please</B></div> <div> <B>fix it. I can't.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        The next day I walked to the church to meet with my</B></div> <div> <B>pastor and I was still down and doubting, but now I had a</B></div> <div> <B>spark of hope. Wherever this doubt was coming from, God cared</B></div> <div> <B>enough to let me know He was watching me and had His hand</B></div> <div> <B>on me. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        As I walked along, I saw something up ahead on the</B></div> <div> <B>sidewalk that looked like a snake. I stopped dead in my tracks.</B></div> <div> <B>"Pick it up", the Lord's unmistakable voice commanded. I slowly</B></div> <div> <B>inched my way to it, not sure what I'd do if it was a</B></div> <div> <B>rattlesnake poised to sink its fangs into my foot. But it turned</B></div> <div> <B>out to be just a big piece of thick wire! "Hm", I thought. "How</B></div> <div> <B>about that. A wire disguised as a snake." I picked it up, and the</B></div> <div> <B>Lord said, "Throw it down." I did. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! "See?",</B></div> <div> <B>the Lord spoke with gentleness. "That's your fears and doubts.</B></div> <div> <B>They make a lot of noise BUT THEY CAN'T HURT YOU." I was</B></div> <div> <B>flooded with relief. It wasn't so much that I doubted God, but</B></div> <div> <B>that I had been assaulted by demonic questioning in a point of</B></div> <div> <B>physical weakness and fear. I responded to the doubts with</B></div> <div> <B>fear, and every time they came to my mind, I was paralyzed,</B></div> <div> <B>just as if it were a rattlesnake. Now I knew I didn't have to</B></div> <div> <B>fear them.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        It took many months before the demonic attacks of</B></div> <div> <B>doubts subsided. I've come to know demons respond to humans</B></div> <div> <B>much like animals. A dog can sense fear in a person and will</B></div> <div> <B>attack if they do. Demons will try a strategy of attack, and if</B></div> <div> <B>we respond in fear, they pounce. Once the fear is gone, and</B></div> <div> <B>they knew it won't work anymore, they move on to some other</B></div> <div> <B>strategy. So it was with my battle with doubts.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        Through it all, I've learned that no matter how serious my</B></div> <div> <B>battle with doubt, fear, or any other thing, I was always,</B></div> <div> <B>ALWAYS safe in the Lord's hands. My spiritual mother once</B></div> <div> <B>showed me something. "Take hold of my arm just below my</B></div> <div> <B>wrist", she said, and as I did, she did the same with me, and we</B></div> <div> <B>had each others' arms tight. "Now lean back and let go", she</B></div> <div> <B>said, and I hesitated. "Go ahead", she ordered, and as I let go, I</B></div> <div> <B>found she had me so securely, I wasn't going to fall. "That's the</B></div> <div> <B>'fireman's handshake'" she explained. "That's how it is with</B></div> <div> <B>Jesus. Even when you let go of Him, He still has you safely in His</B></div> <div> <B>grip." Through every battle, even when I've doubted His love, He</B></div> <div> <B>has never let go. He never will.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        We'll never know it all in this life. There will be doubts,</B></div> <div> <B>and trials, and fears. When they come, I've learned to return</B></div> <div> <B>to the basics of what I know, which often is simply, "Jesus loves</B></div> <div> <B>me, this I know; for the Bible tells me so." Isn't that enough?</B></div> <div> <B>The SIMPLICITY of just knowing Him is enough.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        There are seminaries (cemeteries) and universities all</B></div> <div> <B>over the world trying to figure out God, and they usually crank</B></div> <div> <B>out people that are threefold worse children of hell than the</B></div> <div> <B>ones who taught them. For you see, God can't be comprehended,</B></div> <div> <B>only KNOWN, and known only through love and through</B></div> <div> <B>personal encounter with Jesus Christ. Anything else is a</B></div> <div> <B>fruitless search which ends in death.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        I'm becoming very simple in my faith. I believe God's</B></div> <div> <B>Word. I don't know it all. I irritate people when they ask me</B></div> <div> <B>something and I say, "I don't know." ("And you call yourself a</B></div> <div> <B>MINISTER!?") When doubts come, I know it's only because I'm</B></div> <div> <B>not God. I don't have an eternal brain. I can rest in that and</B></div> <div> <B>trust Him for what I DON'T understand.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        I once sat in a bar with a man named Don. I was trying</B></div> <div> <B>to share Jesus with him. He attacked my faith - brutally -</B></div> <div> <B>demonically - for nearly two hours without letting me respond.</B></div> <div> <B>He had been to seminary. Everything he learned taught him to</B></div> <div> <B>question, and the questions led to doubts, and the doubts led to</B></div> <div> <B>total atheism. Now this miserable man in his fifties was trying</B></div> <div> <B>everything to tear my faith apart. I had no answers. I was</B></div> <div> <B>caught completely by surprise. I was shaking. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        "So what do you think of THAT, Christian?", he said</B></div> <div> <B>sarcastically after doing all he could to destroy my faith in my</B></div> <div> <B>Lord Jesus. I reached over and took his hand. "Don, I don't have</B></div> <div> <B>all the answers. All I know is that Jesus loves you and I love</B></div> <div> <B>you, and I'll pray for you." Instead of a violent reaction, he</B></div> <div> <B>began to weep. He squeezed my hand hard, and choking with</B></div> <div> <B>emotion, said, "I wish I could believe. I wish I knew what you</B></div> <div> <B>knew. I wish I could believe what you believe!" So I came to</B></div> <div> <B>know that knowledge about God never ends doubt, but simple</B></div> <div> <B>trust and putting your life in the hands of a God you can KNOW</B></div> <div> <B>makes all doubts unimportant.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>        "Blessed are those who, not having seen, still believe." </B></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id170.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Play for the Coach"><U><B>CHAPTER NINETEEN - PLAY FOR THE COACH</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <B>  </B></div> <div> <B>  </B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>