Chapter Ten
The Hurt Of Being Different
We're not like you. We know it. Through no fault of our own, we've been permanently changed. We've become a separate breed, longing to be same as you, to feel like you, to be free of the shadow that covers our hearts. We are brave, and we hide well. Friendship is hard and trust even harder. We know we test, and withdraw, we probe and we defend ourselves. Because we're wary, and scared, and if you manage to hang around long enough and hang in there and give us time and don't run and earn our trust, you'll have a friend for life.
We're different because the sound of children laughing makes
us sad, and close families make us think of what we lost. We
try to be "one of the guys" but it's a lot of show because that
part of us that used to not have to be on guard around our own
kind was destroyed so we never really let down the walls.
Competition becomes a threat and we play angry, to win. To
prove we're strong. Or, we don't compete at all because to
lose means we're powerless and helpless and it's too scary to
be there anymore.
We can't be spontaneous and childlike like you. We learn the
scripts we have to so we look like we are, but we prefer total
control over everything around us - our emotions, our
possessions, our schedules. No surprises or being spooked
from behind. So please don't get mad if we get angry because
you're late and didn't call, or break a commitment, or change
the radio station in our car without asking, because we're not
going to let any one take control again. It's not you. It's
them.
We're different because our affection signals are all screwed
up, and sometimes we'll ask you to back off and sometimes our
eyes will plead to be held. There's no rule book to help you
know when to do what, but please stay around long enough to
figure it out.
We're cynical and it means we've been betrayed, we're "cold"
and it means we're scared and hurt. We don't respond to
"what's wrong?" because we probably don't know, and we reject
demands to "open up" because we will when we can, not on
command.
It hurts to be different, but someday, maybe we'll grow
enough to accept the scars and find real healing and we'll
always be different but it won't hurt so bad anymore, because
someone like you stayed with us and gave us patient love and
accepted us no matter what. And maybe then we'll know being
different isn't all that bad. Because maybe then we'll find
another like us, and we'll help them to heal, too.
