Good Grief

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=168 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" background="002a11c3.png"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Home Page"><U>HOME</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Page"><U>BOOKS   </U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Articles"><U>ARTICLES</U></A></div> <bR> <div>  <A HREF="id7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Tapes"><U>TAPES</U></A>   </div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id8.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Spiritual Warfare/Occult "><U>SPIRITUAL WARFARE, OCCULT   </U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id77.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sexual Abuse Issues"><U>SEXUAL ABUSE ISSUES</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id11.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Exposing the Darkness Seminar"><U>***EXPOSING THE DARKNESS SEMINAR***</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="mailto:greid@elp.rr.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:greid@elp.rr.com"><U> <img src="HTMLobj-714/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="50">  </U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <B><IMG SRC="322f1aa0.jpg" border=0 width="241" height="170" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>Good Grief</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This last year, a number of people I know and love have lost someone dear to them. The last several years have found me bereaved more times than in my entire life. Each Christmas, cards sent mean some will be answered with sad news of a friend's passing. As a human being and friend, it has been pain shared. As a minister, it is a painful challenge, knowing the call to comfort, the difficulty of doing so while still walking through my own losses.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Death is a mystery. Anyone who says otherwise probably hasn't lost anyone. Death is also an enemy; it is the result of the fall. It is human separation. And no matter how assured we are of life eternal, no one can bypass grief - or, they do so at the risk of destroying their health, their relationships and their purpose. You MUST grieve. And we of faith should NEVER minimize, deny or disparage that necessary healing.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>How long does grief take?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As long as it takes.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And that is different for everyone. In the death of a terminally ill loved one, spanning months and perhaps years, the grieving often begins when the prognosis is given. A loved one with Alzheimer's forces the grieving, as the loved one goes from them before the body follows.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Sudden or traumatic death is itself like a terrible car wreck for those left behind - unexpected, it devastates their known familiar world. Denial is stronger, confusion and disorientation deeper, and jolting shocks of excruciating pain more sickening. They were just here; I touched them. They're gone. There IS no neat, palm-pilot scheduled grieving process for that kind of loss. It is a monster rollercoaster, plunging you into terrifying darkness, often followed by unexplained, almost giddy happiness, leading you to falsely believe you are “over it” - followed by another, even deeper terrifying plunge into the depths of despair.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And yes, eventually, the rollercoaster does begin to level out. But even then, there many be unexpected returns to the stomach-churning declines.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>All this is - well, NORMAL! And I am frankly put off by those who try to short-circuit this painful passage for their grieving friends, pressing a time limit, singing happy tunes to the bereaved (Proverbs 25:20) or subtly condescending when they express ongoing grief - as if grieving after a certain time was an act of unbelief, unthankfulness that their loved ones are “happy with Jesus”, or that the person is not “getting on with their life.” (What does THAT mean? Get on with your amputated leg?)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Grieving is as complex as each individual's relationship to the lost loved one. I have a dear friend whose father died in December. His father left his family when my friend was ten, went on to have two other families, leaving a trail of carnage, abuse and alcoholic destruction everywhere he went.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My friend had tried to stay in touch with his father, tried vainly to make his dad be a dad to him. He never did. He had not the capacity. He liked his son; but he had no capacity to engage him, love him, father him.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>When his father was diagnosed inoperable, he went to him, he loved him, let him know he was forgiven. He died a Christian.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>But my friend said, “I've been grieving him my whole life.”</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I was a pallbearer. I watched my friend weep five minutes before we entered the cemetery, and as he said goodbye for the last time. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Then nothing, until a month later, a song triggered the loss, and he wept again.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Piecemeal grief is his cross. And I will bear it with him, for as long as it takes, without recrimination, or weariness, or questions, or demands that he “move on”. As my cousin said on the death of her mother and my dad, “The pain changes.” It does not go away - not in this life.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And isn't it right that it is so? A two day mourning, then “on with the show” - what does that say? It devalues the lost one's place of love and importance in our lives. Doesn't it? And a fine act of denial short grieving is at that.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Let me simplify it. A father goes to war. Should the wife and child and parents not weep, not long, not hurt, not GRIEVE? Yes, they (hopefully) will return alive. But oh, how they will be missed!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And what of a missionary who departs, making it clear they will not return? Should we shun tears, be happy they are “going with Jesus”, then “get on with it”?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Certainly not!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Our grief - and I daresay, the depth of our grief, is the measure of the value of the love we held for the one who leaves.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Why, then, are we so quick to force others - perhaps ourselves - to “get over it”, not cry, not grieve?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We're trying to scare the death mask away, or deny its very existence at all. It's not there; I won't face it. Stop talking about it, life goes on...</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>But we will ALL face this - perhaps many times. The least we can do is to provide comfort, non-judgmental silence, and a wide berth for those in the awful shock of the empty heart. As one writer said, “We are all in the same ship on a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.”</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Don't we?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Today's brittle response to another's grief will be your bitter education tomorrow.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I know, I am partial to defending the grieving. As a soldier is partial to his comrades in battle. Don't fault me for that. Someday, everyone will understand my meaning.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>For those who comfort those who mourn, I offer these simple guides:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>1. Set no time limit on grief. Everyone must grieve according to the depth, lack of depth, or unfinished business of their relationship to those they have lost.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>2. Words are not very helpful. An arm, a hand, a call, a walk, a gift, a hug, a tear: these are the most powerful messages. Most believers know the scriptures on death. If you quote them, do so when asked or needed, not when you feel the need to “admonish” them for grieving. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>3. Don't wait for the other person to talk about it. After a few months, they already feel burdensome about “still grieving.” Step out; ask, “How are you doing with your loss?” They will be so thankful you cared enough to ask, to recognize they are not “over it” yet.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>For the lonely pilgrim on this path, I offer this, and this from my still mending heart:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>1. Take as long as you need. No one but God has a right to set a limit on your grief. Lovingly separate yourself from those who don't get it and simply make you feel more alone.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>2. Set your own limits. Grief MUST be walked out. Usually, your own breaking heart demands, forces you to stop and heal. But be careful not to allow grief to fall into morbid contemplation. Your loved one is dead; you are not. You MUST not die with them - not in actuality, not in disconnection from life, not in affection with others. Grief at first will consume all - your time, your life, your heart. But then, you must act. They are GONE. You cannot change it, and you must not die. Take time to grieve - but then, say, “Now I must take time to live.” You will grieve to some degree until heaven. But you must not cease to live.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Finally, loved one, remember this - death, the enemy - the separation - is but for a moment. We do not mourn as those who have no hope. (1 Thess. 4:13) But we DO mourn. God will never deny us that. But your loved one lived, and is alive still with Him. And one day, you will know the sweet embrace that will wipe away a million tears - when you come Home, and see your beloved shining, running to your arms.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>And then, you will grieve no more.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This is our promise. It is our hope. It is the balm that in time, mends the pain.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Gregory Reid</B></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id141.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Hidden Manna"><U><B>NEXT ARTICLE</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Articles"><U><B>BACK TO ARTICLE PAGE</B></U></A></div> </td> </tr></table></body>